Tell us a little bit about yourself  -- I'd like to find out how you got into fandom (or were you always a fan?) as well as what you'd like readers to know about yourself. What from your background in terms of your life experience, your work and recreational interests affects what you write about.

I'm 35 and normally a housewife, though I sometimes work for a rock group as PA, and occasionally have been known to make web pages for profit.

Yes, I've seen your webpage -- it's impressive!

Thanks.

I have four children and I'm on my second (failing) marriage. My first child, Phaedra doesn't live with me and I haven't seen her for at least four years. The other three, all boys, live with me and the youngest is autistic.

As for background, I am an only child, brought up in Germany by my Druid father and Wiccan mother. I guess I didn't particularly have the most wonderful childhood in my life. I've experienced abuse and rape, and a lot of my fiction is about that and rejection. I think it's probably working the demons out.

Wow! All this leads to a lot of other questions about the whys and ways of mythology in your life: What does it mean to have a Druid father and Wiccan mother?

I think it's probably just the same as growing up in a nice 'normal' Christian household. It was there, it was a part of life. I think, I grew up more aware than most children of the richness of mythology and also, how important nature is, the old ways and environmental concerns.

No one tells the old tales anymore, and both parents emphasized the need to keep the tales alive. I do it with my kids now. They know all the old tales from several mythologies, can recite parts of Beowulf from the original Anglo Saxon and know almost every god in every major pantheon. I'm trying to give to them what my parents gave me, and I hope that, for them, also growing up in a Pagan household will be a normal thing.

However, there is the bad side of it. I grew up bullied and rejected because of my religion, my parents were conceived of as "weird" even in the so called 'swinging sixties'. I was taunted, abused by peers and spent a very miserable, lonely childhood, solely because of it. I never rejected my paganism though, unlike possibly other people would reject their religion, because it felt right and good. There's no guilt involved. Through my experiences, I can help my boys deal with the teasing that might go on, though living in London in a multi-cultural society, people are far more tolerant.

Phaedra is an interesting choice for your daughter's name -- and sounds as though it comes from a long, strong interest in Greek and Roman mythology. (I'm sorry to hear you've been separated) -- and being brought up in Germany -- did you learn the Norse myth cycles?

Yes. I always liked the name, and have always been interested in all mythology. I learned all of them as a child. I'm just as familiar with the story of Baldur, as I am with the books we all read as children. Same goes for Aesops fables and other tales. To me they are far more exciting than anything on TV today.

Phaedra actually came about because I liked it, hadn't thought of a name for a girl and heard a song that I loved that mentions a girl called Phaedra. I put it to the ex, and he liked it. Of course, these days, she gets called "Phae" (Faye) The Mythological Phaedra was a real bitch. I certainly didn't name her because I admired the myth's doings.

Do you think it's possible that being aware of  mythic archetypes helps a person make sense of their life?

I've never really thought about it in those terms, but, like the bible, there is a myth for every situation, unlike the bible though, they don't always try and beat a lesson into you. I think it's a gentler way of learning, even though they are often violent. People do respond to heroes and monsters better than 'love thy neighbour', which, I think, is why these myths have endured for so long. The stories I learned from mythology fire the imagination, and really, I don't know many people who get all worked up about turning water into wine these days. Fire breathing dragons are another matter entirely.

My main interest is music, so when I started writing slash when I was about 15, I didn't know about fanfic and instead turned to my favorite groups, something I still do. It was only this year, when I was looking for any other fiction for my favorite band that I stumbled across slash. The only fandom that interested me was Hercules, so I read that, and still tend to stick only to Hercfic in media fandoms, although I'm getting into Farscape fic. I'm only interested in slash. Het does nothing for me.

So when you started writing slash -- you didn't imagine yourself as Mary Sue in the arms of oh, say Robert Plant (stop gagging Spooky and tell me, who did you fantasize about at 15?) -- what inspired you and how far did you take your fantasies? I've heard from a lot of people who groped after the concept at that age but couldn't really conceive of two men having sex much less figure out the mechanics. Was Europe more open in 1979 or did you come to it on your own? Had you seen two men having sex for real?

 I'm trying not to gag, thanks. Ok. The first band that I ever wrote about was Rush. At first it was just the normal three guys fic, recording, having a laugh, then one day I managed to write them into a situation where Geddy and Alex were sharing a bed and I just wrote them touching each other. It turned me on and I wrote more. I was in a lesbian relationship at that time and it turned her on too. I used to write, she used to read them aloud. The next band was UFO... then it stopped for a long long time. I didn't write for years - too busy having kids - then last year, someone emailed me to say what a great Metallica page I had and mentioned Jason and James looking as if they were about to jump each other's bones... and it started all over again.

I never, ever wrote about women. I never have and never will. Sometimes, I think perhaps I'm a gay male trapped in a woman's body. I've never thought of women as sexual beings (yeah, weird huh) A lot of my outlook on life is male and I find it easier to get on with guys and get into their heads than women.

At the age of 15, I was very sexually aware. My parents never hid anything from me. If I asked a question, it was answered truthfully. Also, because of the things that happened to me, I knew exactly what sex was, what it did, how you did it and how it felt. I can't ever remember a time when I didn't know what sex was.

To me, two men seemed more natural than m/f, therefore when I got into experimenting (willingly) I tried the F/F aspect of things first, because it followed that, if two men were exciting to me and I was a woman, then a lesbian relationship would be more exiting and more fulfilling than m/f.

I was 17 when I first saw men having sex. It just made my fics hotter, because for the first time I really knew what went on. (this is an aside, but its also why I find it easier to write Tallific, because I have caught Kirk and Lars at it. It's a little harder on the TV to imagine it.)

How did you become a fan of the show(s)? What attracts/attracted you to them?

Being a Pagan, I automatically become interested in anything that tells the ancient stories. I saw Hercules on TV and loved it. I was immediately attracted to Iolaus. Hercules didn't interest me at all. Xena don't interest me particularly. I loved the humor and immediately saw the slashy side of the show. It didn't over moralize either, which drives me nuts about most (American) TV shows (Brits don't seem to do that). Well, I must correct myself there. Herc over moralized, but it was more real somehow and he's a flawed being, struggling with his own demons... then there's the tension with him and Iolaus' jealousy of him. That appealed to me.

Can you expand on the idea of the tension between Herc and Iolaus? How would you resolve it in a story -- or have you?

I'm not sure if I have. To me, that tension is there, ever present and never gets resolved, therefore I don't think it's my place to resolve it either. I think that the episodes where Iolaus goes off in a snit because Herc has once again, been the hero of the day are the most interesting. Even though these two guys are friends and have been for years, there's something that gets up Iolaus' nose about it, and out of everything in the entire series, that seems most real - most human, if you will. They become less two dimensional. I also found Iphicles and Herc's relationship fascinating for the same reason, although I think Herc could have shown he was less of a demigod and wiped the floor with his whiny brother. Most people would! In my fic, I like to keep that tension there most of the time. It's rarely resolved and I think it's because of the reality of it, that makes the particular fic believable. No one is perfect, but neither are they always moustache twirling villains. There are often other factors involved. Often, in fics, you find either one or the other. Its the same with sex.

How did you start writing Herc-Xenaverse fan fiction?

I think the first one was in June of last year. I thought I'd just see if I could do it. I'd never written anything like it before. It intrigued me.

Please expand on this if you can. Did you find the idea of the fanish audience appealing? -- and how did you go about the process?

Yes.The fannish audience was appealing. After writing for so many years to an audience of one, sometimes two, the thought that a few hundred people would read what I had in my mind is a very seductive thing. (It may sound weird and possibly a little pervy). I get more turned on by a piece of good, honest feedback, than I do by my own fic. It's almost like a drug. (I'm sure some of the Authors know what I'm talking about.)

How did I go about the process? Hmm. Well, I found a slash list, read, got an idea of what others wanted and totally ignored it. Then I just got the glimmer of an idea in my head, wrote down two chapters, found a dragon of a beta who slapped me about a bit and told me to try again. I found that first few chapters, the hardest thing I'd ever done, but (and don't get all big headed here, hehe) I chose well.

(I'd like to go into a little more here about that, if I may.) I knew my writing wasn't the best stuff in the world, but I did want to get better, and I was lucky that I asked a beta that was truthful and yelled if I did things wrong. I think that taught me more and was the hardest thing, I nearly gave up and sometimes I sat at the 'puter and cried, because things weren't going well. Slaving over that first chapter of Naming Stars, writing, rewriting, sending, getting it back until you'd honed down what you wanted to see, was the best lesson. I learned an awful lot in that first week, and try to retain it, though now, I'm confident enough of my writing that I don't always need a beta. I've developed my own style, which is half of what I learned and half my own and the way my mind works. After all, it is my style. It may not be by the book, but it works for me. Sometimes I get stuck and ask. I would say that a good beta is the best, even if you only use them now and then to keep the skills honed.(you can deflate your head now, Taz)

What is it that attracts you to writing about men having sex? And what sort of men having sex together do you like to write about?)

I have no idea. I think it's the rape thing. I tend to write mostly angst, rape, rough stuff, but very rarely anything like bondage or even threesomes or more. It's either straight (scuse pun), one on one, loving sex, or total hell. There never seems to be anything in between. But often, the loving sex has some kind of underlying tension in it. I think perhaps, it's me trying to get my own back on men, although I'm not by any means a man hating, frigid bitch. I adore sex. I also have this urge to go as close to the knuckle as possible, squick-wise.

And what interests you most -- the tension 'within' your characters or the tension 'between' them? Yes you do write brutal acts. But oddly I find you write from a point of understanding with even your most violent and brutal characters -- so they don't come across as one dimensional Bad Guys. I see this especially, in the work that's closest to your interests but you even extend this to Ares -- you told me once when you were working on your first Hercfic that you conceived of him as an English Public School bully -- Ares as Flashman! Do you think people respond more to the squick factor or the character complexity?

I'm not really a cerebral or deep person. I do find it difficult to get into peoples minds on paper, but I use real life and it seems to work. Tension is what I deal with a lot in my own life, putting up with it and trying to keep it hidden so the kids don't suffer. I watch people a lot and find that tension between everyone. It's very rare you see anyone totally comfortable with another person. I think it's possibly both - tension between and within. If you can create both, then it becomes very real. There are very few people entirely at peace with themselves and others in the world.

The brutality I write is really just a way of dealing with my own personal feelings of violence. I used to just go around smacking people when I felt like it. Nothing was hidden, but as I got more adult and had kids, I realized I couldn't do that anymore and would need other outlets for my feelings. Fic, for me, really is a release. But then... I seem to be able to see it from the guys POV... Take a certain person I love to torture in my Tallific. He raped me, but although I know I'm fucked up with it and it was a bad thing, I can also see why he did it, the circumstances, his reasoning behind what he did, whether right or wrong. I do find it easy to get into peoples heads that way, and I try to make it come across, without getting all deep.

People really read fan fic for pleasure. They don't always want an exploration of the human (or godly) psyche. I'm the same while reading fic. I'm really not sitting there, wondering about the reasons why Ares did that, or Herc did this. I'm enjoying the story. It's only later if I've really enjoyed it, that I go back and think about it. Character complexity to me, is something that just happens. I never map it out.

Different people have different squick factors, and it depends on the person. Personally, I'll go as far as I can, but others have problems even writing rape. I think response depends on the reader. But the writer should go as far as they feel comfortable with. I love to try to squick people personally, but I want emotional response too. I've always said it's harder to make someone cry (esp in writing) than it is to make them laugh and sometimes I'll just go for hanky factor rather than squick. I'm not big on Schmoop, though if I put my mind to it, I've been told I do it well.... and again, I try for realism.

What in particular is difficult or easiest about writing the sex scenes? (What importance do you attach to the sex scenes in your stories? How do you feel when you write them?)

I'm a plot fiend. To me, that comes first. I have written very few PWP's. To me, the sex is really just an afterthought. I don't write it particularly well and struggle to find the words for what I have in my head. I can write out the mechanics, but the emotions are incredibly hard for me. If something doesn't require sex, I won't put it in, just for the sake of it.

Yes you're stories are plot driven but I disagree that the sex is an afterthought. I'm thinking especially here of the way you used sex in your Soul Series -- sex was a weapon, a plot device and comic relief. Also, what was getting at is: what turns you on in your stories -- or do you save that for private fantasies?

Thanks!  Sex IS a weapon. You can't get away from it. It is also comic relief and often what drives us to live our lives the way we do (therefore, a plot device). Again, it's the reality factor. I hate perfect sex. It's boring. Often, in my fics, there'll be mistakes, questions, problems, just like real life. I don't quite go for farting under the bed clothes, but often characters mention shitty cocks and the stuff that actually squicks more people out than rape, torture, necrophilia and child abuse. That turns me on (no, not shitty cocks - realism). The reality is, for me, the best thing. When I'm betaing, I try to ask the writer to get more of that reality too. I don't think there's enough of it in fan fiction.

I don't fantasize. I very rarely have to (although writing is a form of fantasy). But my own writing leaves me cold. Other people's is what excites me. Sometimes I'll have a good reaction to a sentence I write, but other than that, I just tap it out, correct it and send and people seem to like some of it, which is fine by me. I often get more turned on by a description of the way someone holds their head while talking, or the way they move, than I am by hot, grinding, sweaty cock. You may have noticed that I try for that movement. To me, it is the best thing. Someone else might like it and try for it in their own fic, which I will read and enjoy.

If you could see any of your stories made into a real episode, which one would you choose and why? What would make it work as an episode?

Hmmm. Well, I think perhaps "The Memory Remains" mostly because it already is taken directly from an episode. Every part of the dialogue is from the second of season 4. (can't remember title right now) All that I added was Hercules' memories of him and Iolaus in flashback. I think it would possibly work because it's simple and half the work is already there. I don't think anything complicated would work, not as an episode because of limited time and effects... but if time and budget were unlimited... see next question

Which story are you the most proud of and why?

It has to be the Soul series, especially the third one - Unforgiven Soul.  Everything just worked perfectly. I usually sit at the ''puter and just type the first thing that comes into my head. This one required a little more thought, but when it was done, I was incredibly proud of it. The plot was good, the relationships between the complicated characters were good and I especially enjoyed the imagery. The four elemental characters had a life ot their own and the interaction with Ares, Iphicles, Herc and Iolaus was totally believable, IMHO.

I agree that your elementals had a presence and reality that few OFC's ever achieve. Why do you think that is?

It helps that they are based... or at least, were, at first, based on real people. They evolved into something more as I got more into writing them. They now, really, don't resemble the characters they started out as. But again, they weren't just Mary Sue types that came and went. I was used to writing them as real people. Giving them their various powers, exploring their story and how they came to be, was, for me an excersise in writing and thinking about plot, which is something I rarely do.

Which character(s) do you most enjoy writing and why?

Haha. Not Herc characters, but we won't go into that unless you want to. Obviously I love my own ( ! ) elementals, but out of the hercverse characters, Iolaus, of course and Ares is growing on me. I think probably Iolaus, because he is very like me in some ways, personality-wise. I find it easy to get into his head. Ares is something unknown and I like that, although I do get bored with gods who can do anything. The two together, work especially well.

What are your feelings on feedback and story critiquing?

I think it's needed. When I posted one fic, I got hardly any response and it really knocked me back as a writer. I'd worked my heart out on the fic and to only get three emails was a bit of a blow. I know I'm not the greatest writer in the world, but I feel writers really do need honest feedback to grow and I'm a great believer in encouragement. (see comment near end, more about feedback)

Hmmm, if memory serves you're talking about the first of The Soul series. You seem to me to be a prolific and confident writer. What kept you writing in the face that silence? Do you think it was because you were pushing the envelope of the lists you were posting to -- or what? Ultimately that seems to have led to a new situation where you can get the sort of give and take you want -- how did that happen?

No. It was the first and second of the 'Soul' series. I never did post the first one. It just went straight up on my page.

Yes. I think perhaps it was that I had these new characters. Some people could see where they came from and they didn't like it (the real people taboo), or perhaps they were unwilling for such large parts of a fic to be taken up with people who weren't 'their' guys. It was a mix of both. But, again. I like to push, give people more ideas and things to work with. I have a low boredom threshold. I assume others do too.(wrongly, it seems)

Why did I keep writing? I'm an incredibly determined person. I WILL do what I want and I WILL keep on trying. I don't give up easily - whether it's learning to play the 'Moonlight Sonata' with only 9 fingers and no piano playing prowess, writing and rewriting something because I wanted to post it and get the elusive feedback, or spending hours and hours teaching my autistic son one single word or skill. I've learned through life, that giving up just isn't worth it. We get what we go for out of life and we should seize every moment we can. 'Carpe Diem' is my motto and I live by it.

What is the hardest part of writing for you?

The sex. always the sex. Plot and dialogue flow out of me, but the sex is something I really struggle badly with. I've even been known to go wailing to various authors and ask them to help me, especially if it's a story I really like. I'd hate crap sex to make an otherwise good story fail.

I couldn't agree more.  What one story do you think people will always remember you for?

 It's got to be Naming Stars, my first ever Herc fic, probably for Ares fucking a sheep and the awful poetry. But for my other personal fandom, I think the new one I'm going to post tomorrow (Shattered Eye) will probably be remembered, because it's the closest to the knuckle I've ever personally read and perhaps, for several others too.

Hey! I liked the sheep, it was a new facet to our BBGoW! This is the third time you've mentioned how much you want to cut it close to the knuckle -- to me that implies that you want a specific response from the reader -- what kind of reaction would that be? (Other than Taz going 'ewwww'.) -- and why?

Personal aside. Its not so much the EWWWW factor, as the "Fucking Hell, That was fucking great." You're a hard person to please. I set myself a goal of one person. If I can get that person to respond, then it's a goal achieved. It's part of that 'getting to be a better writer' thing.)

Thanks! I liked the sheep too. I wasn't sure how it would be received and up until now, has always been what I'm remembered for. If someone new comes into the chat room, they always mention the sheep... and even worse, they remember the fucking poem.

I don't know. I'm a person of extremes. I think I need to push, just to see how far others will go, before they call for a time out. I mentioned before, that its hard to make someone cry on paper. I like the simple power play. I have the power from what is in my thoughts and feelings down on paper or on screen to make someone laugh, cry or shriek "fuck, this woman is a pervert!"  I go through phases. This week its extreme squick... last month it was tears. I want to see how far other people are willing to go in their own minds, so if I go that little bit further, perhaps someone else will come with me and give me what I want to read.

Did you always want to be a writer or did the creative urge strike later in life? Please talk about your other creative outlets also and how they intersect/overlap your Hercfic.

Yes. Even when I was very young, I wrote. I remember writing long complicated stories even when I was about seven or eight. I always wanted to be a writer and started my own book about ten years ago, though I haven't even looked at it since Michiru was born. (he's 5)

Other creative outlets. Hmm. Nothing particularly that does for Hercverse. Most of my other life is based around music... making and listening. Herc fic is something I do when the mood strikes me. It's not that important to me. It's more an emotional outlet.

Do you write other fic as well as fanfic?  Do you hope to publish original fic some day?

See above for that answer. The great thing about writing is that there's no age limit. Perhaps, when I've finally run out of plot for my other fan fics, I'll go back to that book. I've got plenty of time to become a better writer first.

What does 'becoming a better writer' mean to you?

Hm. A writer who people will buy books from, because its a fucking good story. Fan fic, is really a training ground... I'm just taking rather too long to finish the course.

A good writer is also someone who's story I will come out of with shock, wondering why the hell it finished. Several books have done that to me, and only one fan fic that I can ever remember. Perhaps it's because fan fic is usually so much shorter, so the author has to cram much more in. I'd rather write at a more leisurely pace and involve the reader, which is why one of my most successful and liked fics is over 300 pages and still ongoing. (Beginnings)

What stories are you working on now?

Nothing Herc. I don't feel the energy given to writing is worth the lack of response. I mean, when it comes down to it, most authors write for feedback. It's the ego thing. I'm truthful enough with myself, to recognize that's why I write. I may not be a great writer, but I have my fans and it is often them who get me through a day when everything has been total shit... when the hubby is being a wanker, the kids scream nonstop and life in general doesn't seem good. It is them that I write for, because they give me my sanity in return.

Would you die if your mother found out?

No. She knows. There's nothing in it for her. She doesn't give a shit.

So you're not doing this to shock?

Not my mother, no. She's unshockable. (Even my father abusing me didn't make her turn a hair!!!) Other people, perhaps... What other people find shocking  (fucking a minotaur to death?), I find pretty normal, and what others write about (bondage for eg) actually makes me think, "Ewww - turn off." Each to their own, I guess. 

This interview was conducted in January 2000 by Taz.