The Return of the King
by Sophia
Subject: Iph/Ares info for this season
HSHost presents the speaker with question #194 from robinsnest: will we be seeing Iphicles this year?
Alex/Bob says, "Well, we won't go that far."
Alex/Bob says, "A: no, he's going on a voyage for some time ..."
Alex/Bob says, "B: he's away on a diplomatic mission, where he always is." Alex/Bob laugh
[Excerpt from a real online conversation]


"What the FUCK!"

The god crashed through the door to the posh offices where two of TPTB  at Renaissance sat wanking while the rest of the world worked for a  living. His black studded leather strained against his sculpted body,  defining masculinity itself.

"Ares!" Alex said, sinking lower in his chair, one hand moving quickly to cover his soft male parts. "What'r you doing here???"

The god glowered, heat wafting off his massive bronze body in waves, almost searing them even from across the room.

"Where is Iphicles?" he demanded, his voice deadly quiet.

Alex looked at Bob. Bob shrugged.

"Ah, um," he choked, moving back against the wall, trying furiously to gauge the distance to the other exit.

"Off on a diplomatic mission?"

Ares roared, his fists clenched. Blue lightning crackled around him.

"At sea?" Alex whimpered.

The god's body seemed to grow larger in front of them. The smell of  burning leather mixed with that of ozone, as the lightning began streaking out from him, sizzling closer to the two executives.

"My list wants to know where Iphicles is this season. They have asked me to intervene on their behalf. I want Iphicles. I want him back. I want him now."

Alex looked at Bob.


"BUT WHAT?" the god boomed. He loomed over the two weasley stuffed shirts, his heat wilting them.

"We're spending more time... on other characters..."


The two measley wimps slid down onto the floor, the stench of urine filled the office as their bladders let loose in terror.

"Wait!" Alex squeaked.

"Perhaps we could...bring him back for a couple of episodes... Who are your list members - maybe we could talk to them, ask what they might like to see done with Iphicles..."

The god smiled. "You obviously don't know my list."

Bob and Alex looked at each other. "No problem. We'll handle them." Bob laughed.

"Give us their names," Alex smirked. "We'll do lunch and talk about story ideas. Pay for their expenses to travel to LA to meet with us."

"There are 115 women and men on my list."

"We can't bring them ALL, Ares. Please, be reasonable..."

"Three. Thamiris, Laurissa, and Sophia."

Alex scratched the three names down on a shred of paper and smiled at the god.

"Tell them we'll call them..."

"I don't think so," the god smiled.

At that, three angry women appeared in the office beside the god. He grabbed Thamiris and kissed her deeply, one hand roving hungrily over her lush curves, while the other tangled in her blonde hair.

"This is my list goddess, Thamiris," he said in his deep honeyed voice.

The god looked in her eyes. "We have a long-standing relationship - consummated nightly. She... understands me, my needs. She is very fond of the King. Take your orders from her."

Ares then turned to Laurissa and swept her into his embrace, leaning her over and sucking her mouth with those full ripe lips, his hand sliding under her blouse.

"This is Laurissa. One of Iphicles' most ardent fans. She can give you details."

"My love," he whispered in her ear, his hot breath sending shivers of delight down her spine. "When Iphicles returns, I'll send him over with a pair of handcuffs and a set of silk ties. You can choose which ones to use."

He then turned to the third women, a small brunette with dark eyes.

"I need some rest, Sophia. I'll let you take care of this for a while. It's the only way I can get some sleep."

He removed his sword from his belt and passed it to her. As she took it in her hands, her dark eyes grew wide as his power transferred from his large body to her small slight form. The air shimmered around her. A shudder passed through her and her eyes closed.

After a moment, she lifted the great blade high into the air.

"Aaaiiiiiieeee!" she screamed, running at the two snakes, slithering on the floor at her feet.

"I want Iphicles!" she screamed. "OR ELSE!!!"

Ares yawned and raised his brawny arms up over his head.

"Restrain yourself, Sophia. Keep some of that anger... for later." A smile curved his full lips.

"Well, I'm off for a nap. Come and wake me, Sophia, when you're done. I want it back without a fight this time."

With that, Sophia waved her hand and sent the former-god to a safe resting place.

Tham and Laurissa moved forward, stopping in front of the two fleas cringing on the carpet. Sophia moved behind them, brandishing Ares' sword.

"Here's a list of our demands."

Number one: Ares and Iphicles appear in all episodes at least once together. In the same room. Naked. Oiled."

Number Two:...

The End