Come here and sit down. I've got a story that I want to tell you. Please listen, I don't want you to end up like Cupid did, or even Joxer for that matter.
Just one more thing before I start. This stays just between you and me. If I find out that you told someone--anyone, even a household plant, you will be cursing the day your mother was conceived. Got me?
Well, our story begins when I found that Cupie was boinking Ares. Yeah, I mean the leather clad hunk of a man who is hung better then any man, mortal or god. Don't look at me like that! You know you want him! So anyway, my reaction was like Ewww! Groady! I mean, *I* boffed Ares to make Cupie! But then I watched them go at it one time and it was like...oh Hephy! <wink> So like, anyway me getting off on watching the two of them isn't the point of the story. The point of this tale is why you shouldn't go cheating on Cupid.
So lets see, when did it start? It was after the orgy in Attica, and I had a Temple dedication the next day- ah forget it, it was sometime last fall.
So, like, I had gotten back from shell surfing when I decided to check in on Cupie via one of my scrying mirrors. Yeah, I suppose that's spying, but I'm his mother! It's my right! You don't have a problem with that, do you? I didn't think so. Anyway, so I looked in my mirror and instead of seeing him jack off to Zeus knows what fantasies he's having about Ares, he's destroying his Temple. I'm talking major destruction here, I mean his statues were little pieces, there was dust everywhere, I mean, like, Ewww!! You know how hard it is to get plaster off of pink lace? Anyway, I may not be Athena but I know when my son is angry, so being the nice caring mom I am, I decided to see if I couldn't help him. So I flashed into his temple and pretended to be surprised when I saw the mess.
I said to him, "Hey, sweetie, what's with the redecorating? You know you can just ask me for help it'd go a lot faster and be a lot cleaner!"
So then he had the nerve to try and command *me*, his mother, to "Go away." Of course I wasn't going to leave him in that state. So I put on my best "concerned mother" pout and said, "Come on, Cupie, tell me what's wrong. I'm your mother!"
Cupie gave me the cutest pout, the one that says "Mommmmmm!!" but I didn't let that stop me. I didn't want to leave til I got the scoop out of him.
"Come on, Cupid, tell me! If you can't tell me, who can you tell?"
Poor Cupid looked so downtrodden! He collapsed onto the dust covered bed that sat in the middle of the room. "It's Ares."
"Ares?" I sounded surprised. I mean, if you're going to spy you *have* to sound like you don't know what's going on. "What about Ares? Is he being a prick again? Did he yell at you about some orgy distracting his groady soldiers?"
"No..." he sounded hesitant like he didn't want to tell me, so I prodded gently.
"Well, we were going to meet to um, discuss, some things at his Temple."
I knew what he was really doing, but I didn't want to press the point.
"So, you were going to "discuss" a few things and then what happened?"
"Come on Cupid. You can tell me."
"I found him fucking one of followers on the altar."
That was it? Everyone on Olympus knew that Ares couldn't keep his pants on for one full day unless his hands were tied behind his back with Hephy's chains. "So, sweetie? You know that Ares is hornier then Zeus!"
He glared at me, and then said "Gee, mom, that makes me feel *so* much better." Oooooh!! That was it! I hate hate hate it when Cupie goes all sarcastic at me. I mean, I'm on his side here and all he does is bitch at me? I don't think so.
"Snap out of it, Cupid! So he was fucking one of his groady warriors! What else is new?"
"It was Joxer."
JOXIE? Imagine my surprise when I found it was my precious Joxie! Who would have thought that that little fledging warrior was with Ares? Oh, who am I kidding, he's *great* in bed.
What? Don't laugh! He is! Just ask Hephy. <wink>. But I had to make sure my face was neutral. If it's one flaw my son has it's that he's the ultimate romantic. I mean, you look up 'puppy love' on a dictionary scroll and you'll see a drawing of Cupid. It's cute but, I mean, he should have *known* that this was going to happen when he started to see Ares; the last time Ares was monogamous was when we were together. That was because I threatened to give him a nasty case of impotence if he strayed. Of course this was before Heph. I would never cheat on my husband for more than a night.
Anyway, I responded to Cupid by saying, "And..." Yeah, not the world's greatest response, but hey, I figured there had to be more to it than that if Cupid was so pissed that it would probably take only another glimpse at Joxer for him to go all Green-Eyed Monstery (which, by the way, sooo does not look good on him.)
So after a few minutes he like *finally* said to me, "Ares was-- being gentle."
Now *that* made my jaw drop. Ares? Gentle? Up until that day I didn't think Ares knew the meaning of the word! Even when we made Cupie it was a real rough ride!
"Gentle." He nodded. "I mean, he looked *playful* Mom! Tell me that I don't have a right to be pissed."
Damn! No wonder my son was so upset! This looked like it more than just an "afternoon fuck, " as Ares likes to say. I mean, what was I going to do? I wanted Cupie to be happy. He's my son! And then there's Joxie. He deserves to be happy too for all the stuff he's been through! Ooohh! <pout> this was like so not fair to me. What a choice to make! My son or my fave mortal. But in the end, I had to pick Cupie. The last thing I wanted was to end up with my son mad at me for all eternity. Trust me, he knows how to hold a grudge. Something he picked up from his father. I mean, *I* always forgive and forget....hey! Why are you laughing?! You don't want to know what I can do if you piss me off-- that's better.
You made me lose my place! Let's see- oh yeah, so I sided with Cupie, at least in theory anyway, but I was going to do my best to make sure that Joxie stayed alive. "So like, what are you going to do? I mean you can't *kill* Joxie. All that would do is piss off your father to no end!"
Cupid bit his lip and got that look on his face that says, "I'm thinking, don't bother me." I decided to humor him, so I conjured up a mirror and fixed my hair. I mean, son or no, I have to look my best all the time; I am the Goddess of Beauty too, ya know! So I'm sitting there, making sure every hair is just where I want it to be when Cupid stood up and screamed "Yes!"
Nonchalantly, I flashed my mirror away, and like nonchalantly said "You've thought of something, Cupid?"
He said nothing, only grinned at me, A grin that distinctly reminded me of Strife. My first thought was "Uh-oh."
"You aren't going to do anything drastic, are you? You and Arry may have been an item, but if you harm Joxer..."
"Don't worry Mom. I'm not going to hurt him." That sing song tone was starting to get to me. "Cupid..."
"Oh, stop worrying, mother! I'm not going to kill Joxer, all right?" I sighed. I mean, I wanted to say more, but Cupid was old enough to make this decision on his own, and he would have to deal with the consequences of his actions. Ugh. I'm starting to sound like Hera! Man, that's scary!! Anyway, I had to say something, so I gave my grudging consent.
"All right, just don't do anything stupid, you hear?"
"No problem!" He laughed and flew off.
I wanted to follow Cupid. I didn't exactly trust him just then, but if I tagged along he'd sense me and get pissed off, so I did the only thing I could do. I went back to my temple and called a scrying window.
* * *
The window came up on one of those run of the mill mortal villages where people go about their dreary mortals lives doing whatever it is you mortals do. Joxie was at the blacksmith's, haggling over a new scabbard or something for his sword. Gabrielle was sitting by a small fountain attempting to "write" some new story, no doubt embellishing the exploits of that cow Xena! Oh. Sorry. I'm still a wee bit sore about that mortality bit.
Anyway, I have to admit I was surprised when I saw Cupid hovering near Gabrielle. I mean, it's like, what was he up to? He's mad at Joxer!
He flew over to Gabby. He seemed to be looking for something, what, I'm not sure. Suddenly his face lit up and he let loose with an arrow. Cupie, being Cupie, hit Gabby right in the heart. She jumped and looked up--and fell into lust with some wench that looked like she washed pots for a living!
So, like, Gabrielle throws her scroll on the ground, fixes her clothes and runs to this woman and says, "Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are? I mean, wow you are so hot! Want to go out, get some ale, talk, maybe more?" I mean, I almost started to gag! This so called-babe was wearing tattered rags and looked like she could use some food, not to mention a bath! Maybe with a serious make-over she'd look presentable. So anyway, what did this villager do? She slapped Gabrielle's face and called for her husband.
Her really big, ugly husband.
Her husband who looked like he'd serve that skank, Discord.
He also had a *really* big sword.
If that bitch Gabrielle was feeling all right she would have drawn those little sais of hers and shoved them in the pug-ugly's gut and been done with it. But instead she just stared dreamy-eyed at the woman's eyes. I may not be Athena, but I know when something bad is about to happen.
I tried to think of something to do, but I didn't have many options. Either I could interfere and have Cupie give me the silent treatment for a few centuries (and I didn't like Xena-Lite enough to risk that) or I could watch and do nothing, which was really tempting. Luckily, at that moment Joxer finished his bargaining. He was just turning around when he noticed his precious girlfriend being totally oblivious to ugly villain guy.
"Gabrielle!!!" He tried to run over to protect her, but in that kind of cute way that he has, he tripped over his own foot and fell flat to the ground. He tried to get up but it was too late. The guy grabbed Gabrielle by the shoulder and shoved his sword right through her stomach, before pulling it out with a wet sounding twist.
Joxer stood there gaping as the guy walked away, wife in tow, leaving Gabrielle to die while none of the mortals did anything to help her, or even stop the guy! What the fuck was with that?! I made sure to put that whole town under a real nasty curse. I mean, I may have not liked the wench, but she didn't deserve that!
"No Gabrielle...please...don't...you can't!"
"Please, Gabby!!!" He was so heartbroken. Oh, it made me cry watching him sitting there over her dying body, his feeble attempts to wipe the blood off her mouth, the tears running down his face and adding rust to his "armor!" <sniffle> You tell *anyone* I cried and I'll kick your ass! The Goddess of Love does *not* cry over a mortal! Got it?
I would have gone to Joxie but Cupid was still there, watching the proceedings with an eerie smile on his face. Seems he was pretty satisfied with himself! I swear, if I ever had a moment that Ares wasn't his father, this washed it away. That moment he had that cold stare that Ares always has in the middle of a war-the one he gets right before he's getting ready to kill someone. <shudder> I haven't been that freaked out since Zeus knows when!
Well, I Cupie flashed out then so I assumed that was it.
I wish it was the end of the story, that Joxer was just left heartbroken over the loss of one of his best friends and love of his life for many years. But it wasn't.
See, Joxie never did manage to get over Gabrielle's death. He was just pining away until he remembered Mnemosyne and the Lethe water. Xena tried to stop him, but he insisted on going through with that plan, and Xena was so bummed that she let him do it, out of stupidity, out of love for him and wanting to see him happy. Who knows? He's currently living with Cyrene and slowly building himself a new life.
As for Cupie...
Once he realized what he has done- he hasn't been the same since. He keeps doing his job but he just doesn't enjoy it as much as once did. I've caught him just sitting and watching Joxer go about his life oblivious to the past. He's sworn to himself that he won't let Joxer get hurt again. Cupid tried to make amends by setting Joxer up with a nice woman and Joxer seems happy. But what really seems to have made the difference is that he's started to see Strife. I don't know what Cupid sees in that maniac, but Cupid's the happiest he's been since the whole mess began, and I'm not going to break them up, and I won't let Ares interfere either, although Ares' woulda loved to make Cupid suffer as much as he did. I refuse to see my son get hurt again.
So anyway, that's how it ended. Now to get back to you, and why I told you this. I know you're hurting. I know that you're angry that he cheated on you. But for the love of Zeus, don't do anything stupid! I've already lost two of my favorite people to a revenge scheme gone awry! Please, Herc. Don't punish Iolaus for sleeping with Iphicles. I know it seems next to impossible now, but if you could just try to forgive him. Please. For me.