"No, you CAN'T have it, it's MINE!"
"Autolycus...give me that stone NOW!" The King of Corinth thundered at the thief. "You were caught red-handed stealing the Chronostone...again! Now GIVE it to me!" Iphicles reached to take the stone, and Autolycus dropped it and ran, swinging his grappling hook up into the rafters and making his escape.
The Chronostone shattered, and a ribbon of light snaked out and wrapped around the king's waist. A bright blue vortex opened underneath Iphicles, and he fell through, screaming.
Kelly sat back in the recliner, and turned on the VCR. "First you wanna kill me...now you wanna kiss me. Blow," said Ash, on the TV screen in front of her. She sat back to watch Army of Darkness for the thousandth time, and sighed.
"Kevin Smith should have been in this one somewhere."
Augustina licked her foot, and she reached down to scratch the puppy behind the ears. "I know, Auggie. You like Bruce, too." She patted chair, and the pup jumped onto her lap, tail wagging as her head rested on her arm. "Don't slobber on the remote, girl."
Just then, a bright blue light reflected off the TV screen, and she heard a man's voice yelling. Since Ash was kicking deadite ass in AOD, she didn't think anything about it, until Auggie lifted her head and sniffed, then let out a low howl. Kelly muted the TV, and listened. She heard a man's harsh breathing, then muffled cursing. She looked out her window, and promptly fainted.
Auggie's licking on her face brought her back around, and by the time she'd washed her face and walked out the door, the blond man had made it around the corner of her house. She took in the disheveled white lawn shirt, the tear at the shoulder that revealed a well-muscled arm, the brocade vest and the gold crown sitting slightly askew on the luxurious mop of strawberry curls.
The two stared at each other, and poetry promptly began screaming its way through Kelly's hysterical mind.
'O, what can ail thee, knight-at-arms/Alone and palely loitering?/The sedge hath withered from the lake/And no birds sing./O what can ail thee, knight-at-arms,/So haggard, and so woebegone?/The squirrel's granary is full/And the harvest's done.'
"What is this strange thing you speak to me? And do you show no respect to your king?"
The stranger's--hell, no. He's NOT a stranger, she thought. He just can't be who he looks like! A blond Kevin Smith is who he looks like!! Which would mean... Iphicles!
"At least you know me."
With that, Kelly realized that her thoughts had been spoken aloud. "You're saying you're Iphicles."
"I AM the King of Corinth, son of Amphitryon and Alcmene, chosen of Jason."
"Well...you sure LOOK the part," Kelly said, staring. Auggie came out from behind her legs and started to sniff Iphicles, starting at his feet and moving upwards. She seemed especially fascinated by his crotch. Kelly stifled a laugh as she called Auggie back to her side. ' Well...the dog's got taste! '
"What is this...creature that you have allowed to touch me?"
"It's a dog. She's a pet. Come on, girl...let's go inside." She turned away and started walking back to the house. Iphicles didn't follow, and she turned back to him. "You coming?" Again she giggled, and she thought to herself...my ListSibs will NOT believe this! Iphicles... in MY house! Ready for the fucking!
Auggie sat by the door wagging her tail, waiting for Iphicles to come in the house. When he came through the door, he stopped, and bent to pet her. She bumped her head against his hand and gave a contented doggie-sigh.
"She likes you... says something about you." She pointed to the recliner. "Park it, Iphy."
"I'm sorry." Kelly cleared her throat, and in the most sarcastic, Bruce-Campbell-inspired voice she could muster. "Please be seated, your Majesty."
"Thank you." Iphicles sat primly in the chair, and then began to fidget under Kelly's intense glare. The thoughts going through her mind...the gods only knew. "Where am I?"
"Huh? Oh. Yeah. You're in North Carolina."
"Okay. Sorry. Forgot for a second who I was dealing with." She walked over to her bookcase. "Greek...Greek....Myths! Aha!" She pulled down a book, and she opened it to an old reprint of an ancient Greek map. "This look familiar?"
Iphicles nodded, slowly. This map hung in his warroom. "Yes. Here is Corinth," he said, pointing to his city. "Now...where are we?"
Kelly laughed. "One thing at a time, your Highness. You look like shit."
"I mean... you look terrible. Like you've been through Tartarus and back."
"Ah. I see. I feel worse."
Kelly smiled. "I thought so. Come on, your Highness...bath time."
"You have a bath? Inside? But this cottage is so small!"
"Cottage? Hold it there, bubbo. This is a HOUSE. It's not a cottage, hovel or anything else. It's what most people live in."
"What about the palace?"
"Ain't ever been a palace in THIS neck of the woods. Closest is Buckingham...over on another continent." When she saw the confused look.... "Don't even worry. Suffice it to say that NO ONE lives in the type of castle you're used to." She pushed him into the bathroom, and he gasped at the sunken tub.
"Not even I have a tub this size!"
"Welcome to the nineties."
"Forget it." She started running water in the tub for the king to soak in, and she turned back around. He looked distinctly uncomfortable. "What?"
"Gotcha. Turn around." Kelly couldn't WAIT to get her hands on the king! 'After all...it's not every day a girl gets to fuck royalty!'
Iphicles turned and moved as this woman instructed. Quickly she'd divested him of all his clothing. He also noticed that her hands had a tendency to linger and wander as she worked. This is why he preferred menservants.
Kelly got the king out of his clothes in record time. "What's your favorite scent?"
"Scent. Smell. Aroma." Something about the king's arrogance brought out the smartass in her. "Odor. You know...scent." She turned to the cabinet. "I've got rose, apple, lily of the valley, peach, raspberry, aloe, lilac, strawberry, freesia, jasmine, seaspray, plumeria, sugar plum and pineapple mango. Then I've got sage oil, rosemary oil, clary seed oil, and an herbal mix."
Iphicles' mind whirled. "The sage oil."
Kelly poured a generous dollop in the water, and the heady fragrance of relaxing sage wafted up from the steamy bath. "There you go." She watched Iphicles lower himself into the bath, and then sigh. "That okay?"
Kelly caught Auggie as she bounded into the bathroom. "No, girl. Not this time." She pulled a whimpering Auggie back out of the bedroom and into the den. She looked around and picked up Auggie's rope. "I'm sorry. I know you don't like this, but Mommy can't have you running around while she's trying to fuck Iphicles." Auggie gave a pitiful whine as Kelly fastened the rope around her neck and the leg of the table.
Kelly walked back in the bathroom and Iphicles had submerged his hair and was surfacing, the scented water running in rivulets down his face and back. Her mouth went dry. "Lemme help ya, there." She picked up the bottle by the tub. "Shampoo. Soap for the hair. You squirt it out, and rub it in your hair." Iphicles took the bottle, and squirted the strawberry shampoo into her hands. "You want me to do it? Fine." Kelly knelt by the tub and massaged the shampoo through the thick strands of Iphicles' hair.
Despite himself, Iphicles sighed at the sensation of the woman's fingers slipping through his hair. It was sensuous, he thought, feeling the gentle, insistent tug on the thick hair as the fingers worked the soap into his scalp. He leaned further back into the woman's massaging hands, and Kelly caught her lip between her teeth.
His face was screaming fuck me. His eyes were closed, and his lips were slightly curved in sexy smile. His face was relaxed, and strands of soapy strawberry curls fell on his forehead. "Keep your eyes closed, Iphicles," she said as she pressed on his shoulders and pushed him underwater again, rinsing the soap from his hair. Surfacing, Iphicles shook his head, spreading the curls over his shoulder and soaking Kelly with water. "Dammit, you're as bad as Auggie!" She grabbed the towel from the side and started to dry herself off with it. "I'm gonna go change... I'll be back." She started stripping off the wet clothes. She'd just wrestled the wet shirt off when she heard
Iphicles ask her something.
"Are you going to wash my back as well?"
THAT stopped Kelly in her tracks. "What did you just say?" If her blood WASN'T on fire, it ought to be from that question!
"It is something that my bather usually does for me."
"Iphicles...don't you do ANYTHING for yourself?"
"I AM the king."
"Fine." Kelly walked back to the tub and picked up the washcloth. She dipped it in the water and skimmed it over Iphicles' broad shoulders, automatically finding the sore spots and rubbing the warm water into them. The farther down she worked, the more sinful Iphicles' face became. When she reached the junction of his back and his hips, she dipped the cloth under the water, and began to wash the top curve of his buttocks. Iphicles leaned back into her, and felt her against his back.
"If you got in the water, you could wash more efficiently."
"I'm just sure I could."
"Let me guess. It's what your bather does?" She didn't wait for a reply before slipping out of her jeans and into the tub behind Iphicles. Her legs slipped around his, and her breasts pressed into his back. Her hands slipped around his chest, and started to wash his chest, kneading the hard muscles and brushing the nipples into prominence. Iphicles' head fell back on her shoulder, and Kelly touched her lips to his.
His lips were sweet, and soft. And hot. She only had a moment to wonder before his tongue slipped between her lips to stroke hers. She zoned out on everything except the taste of him, and when he broke the kiss and she could breathe and think, Iphicles had moved over her, his knees resting on either side of her hips. "You do this with your bather, too?"
"Only the attractive ones." Iphicles' smile echoed in her face.
"You CAN make a joke!" Her giggle was abruptly choked off by his mouth closing on her left nipple while rolling the right one in strong fingers. His warm tongue pushed the hardening tip from side to side, sucking gently.
"Iphicles..." At her sigh of his name, Iphicles moved to her right nipple, giving it the same treatment while his fingers slipped beneath the water to enter her hot slit. He pushed his fingers in, seeking her clit while his mouth teased her nipples.
Her hands had sunk themselves in his hair, tugging insistently as the gentle suction sending prickles of fire through her body. His fingers teased her, and her back arched as she tried to press herself further onto his hand.
"Be patient, beautiful one," Iphicles whispered, moving up the column of her neck and nibbling as he went. "All things come to those who wait."
"Fuck patience," she panted. Iphicles smiled against her neck.
"All right, beautiful one...but only because you asked so nicely." Iphicles thrust himself into her in one stroke. Her legs wrapped around his waist as his arms wrapped around her. He pulled her in close as his cock thrust into her, stretching her and splitting her as he slowly made love to her. Her hips raised to meet his downward thrusts, and she rubbed her breasts against his chest, nipples touching nipples in a flare of heat.
Her hands closed on his buttocks, urging him to thrust deeper into her as he threw back his head. At her touch on his ass, he came, pouring a stream of fire into her blood. The pulsing of his cock pushed her over the edge, and she came, rocking both their bodies with her shudders. Iphicles stood, then picked her up out of the cooling water and carried her into the bedroom and lay on the bed beside her, kissing her gently before cuddling her close to him and falling asleep, the sweet puffs of his breath blowing strands of hair in her eyes.